Keep

9:51

K words are hard, I’ll have you know.

Keep, the noun, not the verb. Well, it turns out there’s more than one definition of keep as a noun. I was thinking of the part of a castle behind the walls, not sustenance as in “earn one’s keep.” I am trying to stay in the safe and guarded part of my mind and heart.

I have to keep (!) myself distant from Daniel so I can keep hold of my untested ability to define what’s real, what I want, and what looks possible. Keeping my distance. Keeping myself to myself. Keeping quiet — oh, I love quiet. But I also love talking a bit with Daniel in the kitchen this evening, while I made Milo’s breakfast cookies. Well, not love. But liked. I liked the normalcy of it. I don’t know what’s normal, but this seemed like something healthily married people would do, should do.

I left Peaky Blinders last night in mid-episode. Daniel carried on through that one and the next without me. He’ll probably finish the season and another while I’m away. I don’t mind — I mean, it’s not The Crown or anything. It’s one less strand in the very fine thread keeping us together. And I don’t mind.

I wish I could have a healthy and honest conversation with Daniel. But that’s not possible now — as much because of me as him. I am not solid enough (unkempt?) to stand in health and honesty. I literally can’t explain. His facts obliterate and invalidate my feelings (never the reverse. I never get the reverse). I need to get the explanations right in my head.

It’s wearing on me. This morning my emotional condition manifested itself as an all-over ache. I work out, perhaps, so I can cover the emotional ache with a physical one, so I can exert some control. But I am watching it, watching for the ways that the ignored emotions and overriden feelings lodge in the body and don’t let go. I have to defer and respect, back off a bit. I came close to throwing my back out on Sunday. I”m pleased that I’m stronger than I used to be, that I could manage around it and then through it by today. But I’m watching, I’m careful, I’m respectful. While I might like to spend days in bed, motion is essential now, at least till I get to the rooms of my own.

To another city, one I really like, for a business trip early early early tomorrow morning. I will miss Milo, and Daniel will fuss a lot about having to do three mornings of the school run, but I am happy and relieved to be away. I will ask three people for a lot of money on this trip, and two of them have to say yes. I am eager to be on the other side.

10:09. Sloppy.