Gratitude 2017

It’s possible that this blog will turn out to be a diary of being married to a man who didn’t want to be married to me, and nevertheless tried very very hard to fit himself into our marriage.  It’s possible.  And I say that with love towards him, and in recognition that he also has love for me. And, weirdly, I am deeply grateful that I can write it without fear or shame or an inner implosion.  (1)

I am grateful for my friends who are coming through for me in brilliant and true ways.  When I call around looking for them to condemn me, to tell me that Daniel’s analysis of me and our recent exchanges is correct, they refuse, with vigor.  The emails I’ve received, from near strangers, from moms-in-the-parking-lot friends, move and stabilize me at the same time. (2)

I am grateful for Spotify.  I came late (like a month ago) to the wonders of streaming music.  Damn! San Saba County is on spotify.  Poi Dog Pondering (no, they aren’t good but they are the soundtrack of a particular time) is on spotify, so I can always hear that one song I like.  I listened to Taylor Swift 1989 today on CD while I was cooking, because I’m a sucker for Welcome to New York and Blank Space, then a friend told me about Ryan Adams 1989, and I heard that on Spotify.  A digital cabinet of wonders is this thing!  Now listening to the “Songs to Sing in the Shower” playlist.  Oh hell yeah.  Journey and then the Proclaimers?  That, my friends, is happiness.  Daniel is not speaking to me much, so it’s glorious to have other sounds surrounding me.  I’m also grateful for my wireless sport earphones. (3, 4)

I am grateful for yoga, spinning, core strengthening, and foam rolling.  (5, 6, 7, 8)

I am grateful that, during this impossible time, my dreams are generally happy and soothing, even the ones about Daniel.  (9)

I am grateful that Milo is the epitome of awesome, and is taking excellent care of himself. He gets that from me (he gets lots of less good qualities from me, too) and I am weak-in-the-knees grateful that he sees it’s a good thing, not a selfish or bad thing.  (10, 11)

I am grateful that I was raised by frugal people and know how to be that way, and even to find it an interesting puzzle.  Of course, I might blow the budget on expensive skincare later on tonight, but I can measure it in terms of additional days of packed lunches and foregone shoes.  (12)

I am grateful for a beautiful day outside and the color of the leaves that have fallen in my neighborhood.  Yeah, I am really grateful for color outside. (13)

I am grateful for our dog, who is providing Daniel so much comfort right now.  (14)

I am grateful for tea, beer, and excellent chocolate. (15, 16, 17)

And, because I thought for a minute it was 2018, because I am getting really bad about knowing what year it is (2011? 2016? 2017) and because I’m thinking all the time about raising money to keep my job going for 2018, I have an 18th occasion for gratitude.  I am grateful for my capacity to love, which is bigger than I thought.  My feelings are coming back to me, slowly, and some of them are terrible, but right at this moment I feel a lot of love and I feel a lot of ability to love.

Oh, also grateful for a new dress.  I bought it for a special occasion, which was cancelled (cancelled is too gentle a word.  It was nullified, obliterated, erased, unmade, eradicated when everything went wrong). I say this only to justify the cost — this was a special dress for a special evening.  I’m going to wear it to Thanksgiving dinner with friends.