I’ve been thinking about this post for a long time — I believe I am readier now than I’ve been in previous years for intention setting. That may be an illusion. (I’ve been dabbling in Buddhism lite again.) My feelings right now are in complete tumult, and I don’t know what’s going to happen at work or in my relationship with Daniel. Of course, no one really knows what’s going to happen to them in the coming year, or even necessarily in the coming day. But my not-knowing is really obvious to me right now. I’m on a wobble board, and I know it. Yet somehow this chaos feels like the right place to start setting intentions.
1) Keep and use my power. During some difficult stretches during the past month, I’ve looked around for someone to save me. Who is going to tell Daniel that he can’t treat me in a particular way? Who is going to make him change? Who is going to relieve me of the hard work of reinventing my job, and just offer me something that’s magnificent? Who is going to remind my boss that I am amazing? Who is going to protect me from a difficult colleague?
NOBODY BUT ME. I realized that a few days ago. When I’m looking around for this savior, I cede my ability to do for myself. I am not helpless (on the contrary — I am helpful! Too helpful sometimes, but that’s an intention for another year.) I am always worried that using my power, or sticking up for myself, or telling people that they have gone too far, or saying right out loud, “This is my boundary and you can’t cross it” will cause difficulty or make my life harder, but the opposite is true. My life is better and more authentic when I step up. One thing I’m working on is figuring out why I choose not to so. Most of the time, it doesn’t even occur to me to do so.
I don’t know exactly what keeping and using my power will look like, especially at home and with Daniel (we’re in a very weird and hard place right now, can you tell?). I don’t mean power in the sense of power struggle, at least I don’t think so. I am certain that I’ll fail at it a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot. But I’m intending it, strongly right now.
2) Release my attachment to having other people tell me I’m doing a good job. What a mouthful! Blame Buddhism for the “release attachment” phrasing. I want everyone to tell me I’m doing a good job. I imagine walking into my therapist’s office tomorrow and saying “First, I need you to tell me I’m doing a good job.” Particularly during this difficult period, I have craved outside reinforcement. I am a poster child for the bad effects of over-praising. This craving is related to the power issue. I’m giving it all away again.
I don’t need my yoga teacher to tell me I’m going a good job — I know it when I feel it, and I delight in it. I also don’t often need people to tell me I’m doing a good job parenting Milo. Milo may differ (actually he doesn’t, he’s very sweet this way), but I think I’m getting it right with him more than I’m getting it wrong. The areas in which I am deeply insecure are work and the marriage, although the last year has helped on the work front. Oh boy. I know the truth of what I just typed, but seeing it like that is really stark: two major life areas in which I feel like my judgment is not enough and my efforts are insufficient or misdirected. That’s rather sobering, isn’t it? Okay, so, time to start moving in a different direction.
3. Dress better, more often. Hello Pinterest! This intention seems frivolous compared to the last two, and I don’t know whether to embrace the frivolity and say, “Hell yes, I need a break from the heavy stuff –> look at those great shoes!” or to note that this will be an outward manifestation of my very serious intentions. And look, I just did both! This intention isn’t about shopping or spending, but about wearing what’s there in my closet. Like power, like a sense of my own efficacy and right action, I have what I need. I just need to deploy it. Instead, I’ve chosen comfort and mild invisibility. I work in a reasonably casual office, and I do take care to wear more business-like clothes on days when I have meetings. But I have a desire to push myself, to present a little differently, and maybe even to be a little more intimidating. I don’t want to hide or restrain myself. I’m not even sure what all this means, except less denim and more trousers.
4. Sweat. There is another physical component to my intentions. I want to feel stronger in my body and mind, so that I can make the other changes I have to make. I went to a new class a couple of weeks ago with this in mind, and broke my little toe. I’m undaunted. There’s so much packed into this intention. Daniel and I are struggling over how much time I spend on myself — it won’t be effortless to carve out more time away from the family to work out. Yoga is amazing for me, but I’ve needed more for a long time, and I haven’t pursued it. The part of me that I tapped into as a runner and an athlete is dormant. I want to wake it up and re-inhabit it.
This all looks so scary. There are reasons why I haven’t done any of this before — although I don’t know exactly what they are. This may not be the year I fix all the stuff that needs fixing, but (deep deep breaths here) it is the year that I start the fixing work.
Another Door 