Intentions evaluation 2013

It is a terrible idea for me to be blogging right now.  If there were a blogging breathalyzer test, I might fail it.  I’m exhausted from an unimaginably rich year that stretched me in almost every way (and really, who knew there was so much stretching left?).  And I’m hugely pissed off at Daniel, who annoyed the hell out of me, repeatedly, selfishly, on purpose, for 24 hours and then got his knickers in a right twist when I told him with much emotion and some tears, that his behavior was overwhelming me and he needed to stop it.   So of course this is an excellent time for me to review the past year’s intentions with charity, honesty self-compassion, and an open heart.

Intention 1): Stay the Course.  Well, yes.  Those three words were how I imported all of 2012’s intentions into 2013.   I was brave.  I was more present than I’ve ever been.  I did write the book.  I started meditation, gave money to Yoga Activist, took up a lot more space, was harder on my body, and my underwear drawer is much improved (and it makes a difference — I didn’t think I cared about nice underwear until I started wearing it.) And I think I was better at letting Daniel have his feelings, rather than trying to argue him out of them.  Certainly, despite my current feelings of profound vexation (which are abating as I type, which is why I started typing in the first place), our relationship continues to improve.  Much of this is because I went back into therapy this year specifically to work out some very hard stuff in the relationship, and my therapist is absolutely extraordinary.  Seeing her is one of the best (and most expensive) decisions I’ve ever made.

Here’s exactly why I’m writing this post — I am looking at what I just wrote, and seeing how very much work that has all been, and that it’s work that’s been going on for a long time.  No wonder I’m tired.  Hooray me!  Now I feel less bad about some of 2013’s unfinished business.

Intention 2) Find a new job.  Well…. something is going to happen on this front.  A month ago, I thought I would have to leave where I am now.  But lately there have been developments, and excellent sessions with my therapist, that make me think that I might not leave.  I might stand and fight. The issuer of my paycheck is actually the least important thing.  The most important thing is that, with my therapist, I’m going to fix some stuff inside my own head that has held me back for a long time.  This fixing is my main intention for 2014.  I certainly have found a new way of thinking about work and my worth at work, and that changing will continue to happen.  So this is an intention that will be long in progress, and it’s deeply needed.  

3) Do a negotiation class.  Did not happen.  And then I went and bought another self-paced class on networking from the same source.  So that’s two classes I’m not doing. Or rather, not doing yet.  I will.  The time hasn’t been right yet, but I will.  I’m being very forgiving of myself here, because 2013 was so much bigger than I could have imagined, and it’s okay that this was not a priority.  

4) Reduce spending/increase saving. I don’t know whether it’s worse to say it didn’t happen or that I don’t know whether or not it happened.  Mint.com is no help, in part because I wasn’t diligent about categorizing expenses, and I also put a lot of eventually reimbursed travel expenses on my credit card, which has a distorting effect (and got me lots of airline miles).  But the bottom line of my bottom line is that finances were not a priority this year.  I think I both increased spending and saving, in part because of some unexpected freelance income.  My therapy expenses are a budget-busting wild card, but it’s so worth it that I don’t care.  I did increase my retirement savings this year, by a fair amount.  I think I’ll call it a draw.  I don’t know how to think about this for next year, other than to hope that some of the mindfulness benefits of meditation will help me out.  Honestly, with everything else going on, this seems irrelevant, as long as I can pay my bills, which I can.

5) Find substitutes for (web)surfing.  In 2013 I discovered Pinterest.  Enough said. 

When intentions pounce

Okay.  I’m back for a bit.  Something very upsetting happened at work just before Thanksgiving– nothing that’s a crisis.  I still have a job.  I am not being harassed, or asked to do anything that goes against my moral convictions.  But it’s very upsetting, as I’ll explain below.

I’ve been alternating wildly between deep sadness, self-doubt, rage, desire for vengeance (really — yikes! — but only of the verbal kind), and a huge eagerness to get on to the next thing.  Mornings are challenging, particularly during the holiday period when I am not leaping out of bed and into walking the dog, getting Milo to school, etc.  Yesterday morning as I was ruminating, I remembered that my intentions for 2013 included this:

2) Find a new job.  Not necessarily a new employer, but a new job.  Once the book is done, I’m going to have to reinvent myself as work, as I do after every new project.  I’m in a strange, in-between kind of position, and it’s pretty clear to me that even after the book, I’ll never be in management there, never have a line of business of my own, never have a full team to lead and work with.  That works to my advantage in some ways, but to my disadvantage in others.  I worry in particular that my current role and responsibilities makes me less hire-able elsewhere, and I want always to be hireable elsewhere, even if I don’t take advantage of it.  I am also just tired of having to reinvent myself every 12-24 months.  I am not sure what this new thing is — the hardest question for me ever to answer is “what do you want to do?”  This is the year that I press myself for answers and try to implement those answers in the world.  And then maybe come back with some new questions and new answers.

It gave me enormous comfort to know that I actually am prepared to be here.  I foresaw this 11 months ago — not at all as it has played out, but I knew I would have to do what I’m having to do now.  It just needs to unfold faster and with a greater emphasis on finding a new employer, not a new job in my organization.

So what happened?  There are many ways to tell this story.  I am not sure I am interested in being exceedingly fair in my own telling.  In my own telling, I wrote a book with my boss.  The book did exceedingly well for a book of this kind.  The book also opened up lots of great opportunities for me to speak to the press, to attend fancy conferences, and raise my professional profile.  And the book also started an avalanche of ideas in me about the next topic I want to pursue professionally — this is the greatest outcome I could have hoped for.  I finally, finally, finally can answer the question, “What do you want to do?” with great specificity.  All to the good, all real, all things that will always be true and always be with me.

The not good is that the book stirred up enormous resentments among my more senior colleagues, and they are now in a position to act on those resentments, although that’s almost certainly not what they think they are doing.  They think they are doing what is in the best interests of our organization.  That means that 1) I no longer report to my boss and co-author, but instead to someone else who filters and mediates all requests that go to him.  2) This someone else tells me that we need to stop talking about the book immediately, that the “brand” of the book is “toxic” internally, and it’s time to move on. 3) That her job is to do what my boss/co-author won’t do, which is make hard choices about people’s jobs.  4) That I need to make sure my career goals are aligned with the mission of our institution.  5) That everybody has to do work that they don’t want to do sometimes.  6) That people feel like I act “entitled” and that there is a lot of resentment against me.  7) That I shouldn’t be nervous, she is my ally, she wants to help, and she can’t understand why I seem so upset and why this conversation (that we had on Tuesday, in which she laid out 2-7) seems to have gone so wrong.

Okay, here’s something: when I type this, I feel kind of bad and ashamed, like maybe I’m being… entitled!  And a complainer.  And someone who makes a big deal out of nothing.  Maybe all of you will look at this and say, “Yes, that’s why people call it work, not play.  Why are you being such a princess/diva/baby about it?  Get real and get to work.”  I’m pushing back against that, because I think that not speaking up about bad-feeling things, and minimizing them, and thinking that they really aren’t THAT bad, is being complicit in keeping myself down.  I can tell you that it felt really bad.  Really bad.  I grabbed my office best friend and found a safe corner in a little-trafficked hallway and collapsed into the fetal position, shaking.  That’s nothing for me to ignore.  Nor are my feelings of rage, and even betrayal by people I thought were friends and supporters — including my boss/co-author (who might not really be my boss now).  I felt thrown to the wolves.

So it helps to remember that this Someone Else (TSE) is telling me what I knew back in January.  She is not telling it to me in a way that is kind, or thoughtful, or supportive, or inclined to make me want to stay.  But the truth is the truth, and I knew it a while ago, so once I get over the shock of the delivery (and the feeling of demotion, humiliation, and frustration) I can see that and try to behave constructively.

I went to yoga right after my conversation with TSE.  As I was diving into a forward fold I thought, “I am liberated.  I am free now to do whatever the great next thing is, and I don’t have to be held back by a misguided sense of loyalty.  I don’t have to make sure my career goals are aligned to goals that other people set.  I can truly create what is next.” And that was thrilling.  So I’m going to spend a lot of time finding the place for what is next.  And finding a place to work that doesn’t make me think, as I often do, that “I don’t really know what my skills are.  Do I have them?” or that “I can’t really find another job after this, I’m only good at helping boss/co-author.”

I found a pin on pinterest (addictions are helpful) that says “Don’t be Delicate.  Be Vast and Brilliant.”  That, friends, is my new, whole-hearted intention.  Everything has been leading up to this.