Usually, I race into the holidays, and don’t stop to notice that I am in them until, well I am in them. And I regret that, but that regret doesn’t usually last 48 weeks, which would be how long it would need to last to get me to prepare, mentally, spiritually, psychologically for the next year. But this year, Tablet is running a “pre-pent” series. Like so many things in this vein, it seems squirrelly and superficial, and like so many things in this vein, it is surprisingly useful and powerful — if for no other reason than every day I remind myself that the holidays are coming, whether or not I follow the recommended daily step. Also, I’ve been slowed down this week, feeling on the verge of sickness, and feeling myself wind down and turn inward. (Sister: inward or inwards? Other grammarians, weigh in!)
And perhaps most importantly, for the past several weeks (4? 5?) I’ve been meditating for 20 minutes a day, per this book. The book sets out meditation as a pre-first step. It’s going to take me a long time to move through the steps, but this meditation business is a great thing. I don’t necessarily regret that, intentions aside, it has taken me such a long time to come to meditation. I wasn’t ready, so it wasn’t happening. But now I seem to be. The effects are subtle, but at the same time very powerful. Without meaning to, I am eating more slowly and savoring my food. I think I’m drinking less. When I was on a long-delayed flight that would get me home at 3am, after a long business trip, during a very stressful time, I focused on breath and found it almost intoxicating and sensual and very soothing — I had a very relaxing flight. I’m able to manage my moods a little — not a lot, not all the time, but I can sometimes get some space between myself and my anger or fear, and sometimes can let go of it. Anger and fear usefully come back to give me more practice at observing and letting go.
Anyway, because of a combination of all of these things, when I started cooking Shabbat dinner tonight, I felt excited about the holidays, like I was getting ready to step into a period of genuine reflection, and not just travel and drama and stress. I have a new book on meditation in the holidays, with the best title ever: “This is Real and You are Completely Unprepared.” My work calendar is more or less cleared, or at least arranged to accommodate the holidays. At least I think it is. Events might prove otherwise.
I might not open my well-titled book. I might find Rosh Hashanah completely unbearable. It will be the first holiday since Daniel’s mother’s death, and my explorations of meditation and the intersection of Buddhism and Jewishness may be radically out of step with the vibe around me. But for now, for right now, this feeling is giving me great comfort. For right now, I am feeling really great that I am finding a path into Judaism that is totally not what Daniel would do, or what my own synagogue would recommend or perhaps even countenance. I am not beating myself up about not preparing in a traditional way. I am instead very grateful that I have found a way that speaks to me as I am now. I am so grateful that I’m moving towards this with curiosity and eagerness, not duty. It’s not a stretch, and I’ve always thought religion needed to be a big stretch and hard work, that opening one’s heart had to be like cracking open a safe.
I am in a strange and rare place of peace — maybe just for today, maybe for a few days. I’m mentally turning away from work, for the holidays and out of deep exhaustion. Stuff that would normally send me into a tizzy now seems just like another thing to observe and watch unfold. I don’t want to exaggerate — I’m still prone to impatience with Milo and Daniel and their refusal to clean up after themselves. I feel more anger and frustration than sympathy towards Daniel of late. But I don’t have the energy to castigate myself about it. That’s how I’m being now. I hope to be different later. But perhaps not castigating myself is a way to wean myself from castigating (silently but ardently, in my head) Daniel. It sounds self serving. But maybe I need to serve myself a little.
So this is where I am, on the last Shabbat of 5773, and I wanted to come here to see what I think about it. I wonder if I will recognize this place at the end of 5774.
Another Door 