Kaleidoscope

5:14

The final paragraph of my previous post scared me. It caused me to make the blog private again. I imagined how hurt and angry Daniel would be if he read it. I don’t want him to have an affair (but even as I type that, it looks like a blame-free exit for me, and that is what I want most of all. A blame-free exit.) I certainly don’t want to have an affair because I don’t want to face Milo afterwards.

I was about to type, “I still like the idea of doing whatever I want,” but I don’t, really. I like the idea of doing whatever I want and not causing anyone else pain by doing it.

Daniel continues to be nice, dammit. I passed him on the street outside our house and he gave me a hug and kiss. I asked why. He said, “I don’t know… feelings?” So I remind myself, if I am surprised and curious about why my own husband treats me with affection — the affection I should have had all along — that is important information.

This is another one of those posts that was so complete and urgent in my head, and so flat when it gets to my keyboard.

It is important to look right at this anxiety and confusion. It is important to consider whether good enough for Daniel is good enough for me. This is a little bit of what I want, but not the whole. The proportions are completely reversed. The hug and kiss on the street– that’s an ice cube. (Stick with me, the metaphor depends on it). I want the iceberg. The iceberg of love! I amuse myself.

At yoga this morning, I recognized how tense I am, how armored and guarded. I have a big week at work coming up, but I’m also living guardedly in the house, as I’ve written over and over and over. Not wanting to open up, not wanting to be too kind or too vulnerable because it might make something difficult later. But, as always, that kind of prevention doesn’t work. This is where I need to decide, strongly, that I can do whatever I want. And remind myself that a million times. Yes, many things have to happen, which I will have to initiate, but there will be many things that happen that I don’t control. A year ago… well, a year ago, divorce was imaginable. I was imagining it. I was unhappy. But our current circumstances were not imaginable. And now, staying together in a way that makes me really happy, that feels like the best version of ourselves, that has tremendous integrity, is not imaginable.

Here it comes again, the surge of longing for rescue, release, relief. I breathe through it, wait it out. Daniel in his own way teaches me to grab relief and not wait for it. Get relief from chores by stopping the chores, whether or not they are finished. Find release from the armor by taking it off and not worrying that 6 months from now, Daniel will say, “But you were nice to me.” He’ll hurt me again, whether I’m armored or not. All the armor does is wear me down.

I have to go through all of this. I can’t sneak out, or speed walk past it. I have to go through all of this, these rotations and combinations of emotion. This re-sorting of the same materials. Shake it up and look again, and the years of marriage behind us look happy. Another turn, and it’s a disaster. Both are true. Both are always true. Daniel is glorious and Daniel is unbearable. Daniel is everything I want… well, no. Not right now. Not anymore. Not in the present. Daniel has the capacity to be everything I want… that’s a question now. I am not interested in forcing the answer. I’m observing, not deciding. I’m dipping into and out of decisions. I’m divorcing and reconciling in my mind, turning the wheel, seeing the patterns, and I’ll decide when I need to, when I’ve done more rounds of feeling. I have to do all this to minimize the regret later of whatever choice. And whatever choice will bring enormous regret anyway. I am sad that I won’t be able to be compassionate with Daniel once I leave him — I will feel great compassion but he certainly won’t want it from me. Poor thing. He has no idea. Or maybe he does. Shake, turn, shake, turn.

5:38 (it was so much better in my head).