Unicorn

7:52

A completely random title.  I worried that I would start with “un” and spiral downwards. “Un”-disciplined, for example, because I gave in to a years-long craving and bought white jeans on eBay, even though I’m trying to save money, trying not to buy things I don’t need, and white jeans don’t fit my real life.  It would have been wiser to buy pale trousers or a skirt, but those cost 2.5 to 3 times as much.  I wear too much denim to work as it is — no one else at my level dresses as casually as I do, and these jeans have very stylish but not very director-level frayed hems.  I’ll look like one of the stylish youngsters.  On the other hand, “dress for the job you wish you had…” I wish I had a job that was so secure, creative, and awesome that I could be my stylish casual self every day.   And… 30 day returns from the seller.

Unstoppable.  Uncrushable.  Undaunted. Un-cowed.  Unique.

I thought I would write more — that often happens.  I spent the day on the wet, cold, windy sidelines of Milo’s sports event.  I packed a notebook, thinking I would have so much to say and write, having felt the impulse to write on Friday and on Saturday.  But… not so much now.  Un-loquacious, I suppose. Unloud.  With nothing to unload.

I keep remembering that when Daniel’s crisis happened, I was so surprised when women I worked with said, “I am so sorry what’s happening to you.”  I only just now have realized that they very probably meant, “I am so sorry that your husband has turned out to be such an awful guy and that you are suffering from being married to him.”  I genuinely thought that they meant, “I am sorry that Daniel is suffering and lost so much and that you are affected by that, too.”

Unmoved.  Unmoving.  Not moving quickly towards divorce, although I did significantly increase my monthly saving amount starting now.  Meeting with a lawyer — more accurately, a dear dear friend who happens to be a divorce lawyer — in 10 days, just to understand the landscape.

Unworried: There is nothing wrong with waiting till Milo is older, particularly now that the verbal abuse has abated.  Nor is there anything wrong with moving forward.  But I do think I need at least 6 months of rent and living expenses in the bank, and maybe more if I have to sign a year’s lease on a new place (plus moving, new furniture, first month’s rent).  Again, I could borrow from my parents, but there is not a sense of urgency.  For right now, at least at this minute, keeping my distance feels just fine.  It feels safe.  I gently, gently, gently rebuked Daniel today for not unloading the dishwasher when he saw it was full & clean — on mother’s day no less!  He was defensive and fractious.

Am I the frog in boiling water? Yes.

I still find myself wondering, “How bad was it, really, what Daniel did… to others, and to me.”  And yet, getting ice cream with him tonight (after asking several times) was pleasant enough.

I wouldn’t marry him again, feeling as I do now.  I mean, I wouldn’t marry someone about whom I feel as I do about him right now.  I am not sure whether I would marry him again at all if I had an informed do-over.  There were lovely things, specifically with him, and that being his wife enabled.  And of course Milo.  I would have had other kids, maybe, but Milo and I have a very special relationship.

Uninspired and unmotivated to write more.

8:13