Placeholder 2

I’ve used placeholder as a title before.  I don’t want to forget this:

I was trying previously to be successful and not devastated.  On the outside I was successful in marriage and work, but on the inside it was awful: crying, feeling like a completely failure and feeling like it was all my fault.

Now, I am failing, or close to failing, on the outside: openly talking about divorce, and coming to the end of my current job because I can’t find people to invest, to literally buy in to my vision and capabilities.  But I also might be moving away from being devastated, because none of my magic incantations worked. So I might be free of them.  I did everything I could, I failed anyway, some of it was related to circumstances well beyond my control, and I’m still alive anyway.  And I rejecting (then embracing, the rejecting again) the familiar feeling of devastation.  I am saying, yes sometimes that, and sometimes not that.

Maybe the gift of this time… not the reason it happened, but the gift of this time is the failure so I’ve done it.  Like getting a B in college — it’s done, so I can stop being afraid of it and start to live bigger.  Possible.