Nugatory

10:12

That’s rather the opposite of magnificent, but it was a very rough day.  Another futile, dead-end call with a prospective funder, or non-funder.  Some complicated drama at work that initially left me feeling elated because it became very clear that my institution does not stand behind me and support me, and therefore my difficulties are not entirely my fault. But now the elation has passed, like drunkenness, and curdled into anxiety.

A friend wrote to me, about the work situation: “Sometimes the Universe is like, “One door closes, another opens. In that order.” And the Universe doesn’t just believe you need to get the direction right on your own, it knows you are the only one who can.”  So that was sweet, because she doesn’t know about this blog.  The door is closing. On my fingers. And something better is on the other side.

I’m fighting, kind of, with my therapist, about what she has and hasn’t done for me, and why she’s being rewarded (with more money) and I’m being tasked with more work (an extra session every week) when I’m struggling in all the old ways.

Daniel is being extremely kind, which totally undermines my plan, although it makes things easier in the short term. But he can be nice without being my husband, I hope.

Everything is unsettled and in the air, and I am creating my own comfort, poorly. Well, not poorly, but it would be nice to have a co-creator. I hope all that’s happening will lead me there.

10:17 because I can’t right now.