Feelings

9:08

Who needs ’em?

Coming here and writing makes me feel better, I suppose. I feel a slight quickening, a little lift, when I sit down to write, even though it’s possible, or likely, that I’ll end up in tears.  There is something good about going into the feelings and wondering about them, even if it means making them into a story.

Feeling things I’ve never felt before… it does seem different to be observing the feelings and living with them, however much I would rather be living with other feelings, instead of trying to explain/manage/conquer/redirect/minimize/under-describe/evade/avoid the feelings — which is what got me here in the first place.  The feelings now, even though they are relentless and disturb my rest and make me so lonely, are so necessary.  Feel them now so I can not feel them again and again and again and again, with Daniel or with every relationship in the future.  The first incarnation of this blog was about feelings management and justification–> is it okay that I’m feeling this?  I still have that tendency.  But there’s something different happening now.  There is more comfort with, more respect for what I’m feeling, and therefore the feelings are both bigger and smaller — they are just their proper size, and I am not mistaking a feeling for a commitment.

This is very muddled, again.   This is very diary-like and I don’t like that.  Too much feeling perhaps?  Not enough thinking, not enough refinement, not enough polish, not enough storytelling around it?  A bit adolescent?  Oh well, no one is forced to come here — not even me.  I have two other notebooks that I bought for private reflection, but I don’t use them any more. I just opened one of them, and saw that everything I am feeling now, and thinking now, and writing now, I wrote back in December (Dec 3: “If I had been stronger, if I had set a boundary or pushed back, I would have been so much more interesting to be married to.”)  That’s too self-involved and meta, quoting my diary in my blog.  I am a little bit stricter in pixels.  A little less droopy, a little more shaped.  (My writing wears a bra?)

That’s all for tonight.  I’m tired and have an early morning and another business trip tomorrow.  I’m weary and need to conserve energy.

9:25