8:03
Not really — tonight I’m packing. Normally packing makes me a wreck. There are so many ways to go wrong. There are so many previous wrongs to confront: why do I spend so much on clothes, yet still lack a perfect capsule wardrobe that can span 7 days in a variable climate and fit into an envelope? There are so many things to forget: teeth-saving night guard, recondite facial care products, books, those other books, those other other books, socks, tights, yoga mat, underwear (one year I forgot to pack underwear for Milo. My mother dashed to Target without complaint. She says she hates to shop, but she loves to be in motion & to get things done).
But tonight, packing is a joy. Packing is being in motion and getting things done without having to make heavy decisions. Without having to talk and concentrate and be smart. Because it doesn’t really matter if I forget my black t-shirt, or underwear, or recondite facial care products. I can get them where I’m going.
Yesterday I had 7 meetings or calls at work. Today I had 8. I don’t recommend it. And now I’m done. Done-ish. I have a videoconference on Friday, and I’ve reserved a room of my own in a co-working space near my parents’ house. There is no way I could pull away from being mother/daughter/wife for 90 minutes under that roof, plus their wifi is unreliable.
I feel free. I feel like finals are over. I even went back and did some work email after yoga tonight because I felt I didn’t have to. I feel free.
I could talk about why my time at my parents’ house will be stressful. Briefly: I’ve come to realize that my mom, who we always thought was so easy and helpful, actually needs a lot of attention and support, in her own helpful way. My Dad voted for Trump. And Daniel’s sister and her two kids are coming to my hometown for a visit, because they’ve always wanted to see (City) and won’t it be fun to spend time together! Daniel’s sister is a person who says, “Oh, don’t worry about me, I’m easy.” Is that ever true? Is that ever not a self-falsifying statement? Daniel’s family and my family have very different relationship metabolisms and boundaries. We’ll see how it all unfolds. I don’t expect it to be restful.
But tonight I don’t care. Tonight I am buoyant and free.
Now I’ll list the books I’m considering taking:
- We Gon Be Alright, by Jeff Chang (for work)
- Can’t Stop Won’t Stop by Jeff Chang (for work — a 500 page history of hip hop. I have a cool job)
- Vital Little Plans (Short Works) by Jane Jacobs (for work, kinda)
- Bury your Dead by Louise Penny (plane ride there & Shabbat)
- A Trick of the Light by Louise Penny (plane ride home, and if I need to escape)
- A Wave of the Mind: Talks & Essays by Ursula K. LeGuin
- Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance
- Our Declaration by Danielle Allen (for work)
- Divorce is in the Air by Gonzalo Torme
- The Black Swan by Nicholas Nassim Taleb (I think this might be one of those utterly of the moment books that doesn’t survive its moment)
- In the Light of What We Know by Zia Haider Rahman
It’s deeply ridiculous to take 11 books for 7 days. The first six are the only definite ones. But then I need a little more fiction to mix it up, and then I’m already halfway through Our Declaration, and maybe I don’t really need to read all 500 pages of the hip hop history. A Kindle would make so much more sense, but I can’t use it on Shabbat, so it’s really of no use to me. And screens are for work… um, except when they are for blogging. I need pages and covers and paper and fonts and texture and design. I have read a few books on Kindle & iPad, but I honestly can’t tell you what they were. (To be fair, I have forgotten paper books that I’ve read. I think I bought a Penelope Fitzgerald for the second time. But she’s Penelope Fitzgerald, and it was remaindered, and it was a great local bookstore.)
And I feel done, and have no ending, and I don’t care! Because I feel so happy and free.
8:29
Another Door 