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Dear, dear wonderful commenters,

Thank you for your kind and reassuring words, your torrential rain of kindness when I was in a desert of my own making.  You don’t know how important it is to me to know you are there, and that you understand what I’m trying to do and that you support me all the way through it.  Even though I post very infrequently now, this blog means a lot to me because of all of you.

It’s now only 10 days since my spasm of shame and sadness, and things are much much better.  The things that I was extremely anxious about and busy with in my domestic life, which were sapping my reserves of resilience, were completed wonderfully and with much joy for all concerned.  I got through a business trip and some ridiculous work drama (ongoing, but I’m about to leave the country for 10 days, so I’m literally getting a lot of distance on it).

And most importantly, I’m working on forgiveness.  The events that upended me sparked a tremendous fight (row — that’s for you, Sister) with Daniel, in which he said, “You blame me.  You blame me because we didn’t have a second child.  You’ll never forgive me.”  At the time, mid-fight, I thought, “Of course I do, and of course I won’t because that’s what happened and I am correct.”  And then I realized that I needed to be able to forgive, even though I didn’t want to.  I didn’t think he deserved it, or had earned it (!) or that I could do it.  So I prayed about it.  Some people pray for forgiveness.  I prayed for the ability to forgive.

And I bought some books to support my intention.  I’m about a third of the way through this one, and have turned down dozens of pages because I found them important or moving.  I was so nervous about ordering books without seeing them first, because I was feeling vulnerable (I still am, or will, once I turn back to the subject).  But this book is very gentle.  I particularly like how it reassures the reader that whatever is hurting her really hurts.  It’s valid, even if it’s not as traumatic as what happened to some of the people whose stories are in the book. At one point, the authors write something like, “You were there, you know what you felt, and you know you were hurt.”  For someone like me, who suffers grievously from comparison poisoning, reading this was a balm.  The authors say what I knew intellectually but could never act on, which is that one forgives for one’s own benefit.  It’s a gift to oneself, not to the unforgiven person.  (It’s also that, but unforgiven people have a way of going about their merry, unforgiven way while the hurt people fume and stew.)

So things are better.  I’m tired and wrapped up in getting everything together before our trip abroad, during which I won’t be blogging.  But I wanted my dear, dear commenters to know how much you helped and how grateful I am.  You gave me steadiness when I couldn’t provide my own.