Un-everything

I want to un-publish, un-send, un-write, and un-feel all of that last post.  Other people’s happiness makes me sad?  I am ashamed.  I am also ashamed of where I am in my career, and ashamed that I am ashamed.  I want to write my way into a place where I can be sure you think well of me, and not poorly because of what I just wrote.

In short, I am in a giant spiral of freak-out.  Can you imagine what I’d be like if I hadn’t been doing yoga 3 days a week for the last month?  Daniel says he can tell I am in frenzy because of the way I walk from room to room (which makes it very hard to walk normally in his presence.  Monty Python’s ministry of silly walks comes to mind, but I’m too frenzied to pause to find the link.)

I will get through this.  The things that are really stressing me out are good things.  Nothing bad is happening to me or to anyone I love — in fact, there’s a surfeit of good things.  I’m just finding it challenging to manage the details of those good things.  I am starting to feel tugs of shame for not being able to manage the details of the good things, but that’s just gratuitous spinning into the freak-out, and I will resist.  I will find my center again.  I am grateful for this space and for your patience while I do that.