Today I should be thankful that life returned to normal after the holidays. I have not worked a full week since the end of September. I’ve been working very hard, but sporadically. I appreciated the holidays more this year just for the interruption (because I’ve been working so hard), but it’s always nice to return to the rhythms of normal life.
Except today it wasn’t. I am feeling vulnerable, sad, valueless. I am feeling like a non-success — not even as flamboyant as a failure, just a steady, perduring, non-success (did you know wordpress’s spellcheck recognizes “perduring” but not wordpress?). Daniel and I have had a long, difficult spell. Prior to this, we’ve had episodes, even fast-cycling episodes, of explosion and reunion, but this time there’s been neither explosion nor reunion. Just a long gray period. Unlike other periods, this one seems dangerous because I can feel how easy it would be to stay in it, or rather, how hard it seems to find the energy and will to fix it. This is how “we just grew apart” starts. I am looking it in the face. Daniel likes the dog more than he likes me right now. So, a flurry of date nights ahead: Saturday, Tuesday, Sunday — babysitter booked, plans made. Efforts to be exceedingly cheerful and peaceful (not a natural combination, but, like chocolate and sea salt, really super if you can do it) upon arriving home launched, with only a small wobble. The pretty dresses pulled out of the closet, yoga pants eschewed (although my ass looks great in yoga pants). Will it be enough? And can I steadily ignore the itch of “it’s not fair I have to do this while Daniel stays mired in a bad mood and is unkind more often than kind”?
I really don’t want to blog about this, but not wanting to blog is a sign I need to blog. I don’t want you to dislike Daniel because his unkind:kind ratio is really bad at the moment. I have raised it with him, most recently yesterday. And he was very sweet for an hour or so. November 17, I propose we go back to marriage counseling. I have been wanting to to this for weeks and weeks, but there has always been something else to get through: work deadlines, holidays, a series of important deadlines and out of town conferences for Daniel. November 17, we are both finished. Maybe I’ll wait till November 20 — my mother will be staying with us through Nov. 19, and Daniel and I will argue about marriage counseling, and I’d rather not have my mother here while that happens. But, Nov. 20th or bust.
Work, which I usually love, is deeply unsatisfying at the moment. The project I am mired in remains off the rails and I feel incompetent because of it, even though no one is suggesting it’s my fault. And the project I had been looking forward to after the current one will be fraught and unpleasant, I learned today. That makes me sad. I thought I had a chance to do something great, but this will not likely be that chance. I will find another one, but this looked like very pretty one, and I’m sorry to see it slip away.
Last week, I was floating on the beauty of the world and the wonder of every day, so I know it’s possible. And even today I noticed the changing leaves and the beautiful morning mist and the pink and silver sky. I only have to open my eyes to see those things. They are there for me. This is a period of difficulty, but only a period. The feeling is temporary, the breath is permanent.
Another Door 
So sorry to hear that long and gray is with you. I have been through periods of feeling that pets outranked me–that’s really resonant. Thinking of you and hoping the small beauties can carry you through the day.
You are a small beauty that gets me through the day. And you tell good jokes.
So sorry to hear this about you and Daniel. I want you to know that although you do tell us some of the things that he does wrong or that aren’t working between the two of you – I do not think poorly of him. Ross and I went through a tough period (ie all of 2010 and the first 3 months of this year) and I really know how it goes. I do hope the marriage counseling proves helpful for you. I know it was a huge help in our lives and I hope it can be the same for you.
I feel so much better being caught up on your blog by the way. I was feeling out of the loop and like my life lack its normal order.
The storm has passed, for now. I am not sure I’ll press for counseling later this month — I’ll see how I feel when the date comes. When we did counseling before, it was tremendously helpful, so I have a lot of faith in its power in general.
I think I have finally learned that being in a funk is not necessarily due to my relationship status with the Sheepfarmer, but maybe more so other stimulus around/through me. I have also learned that his being in a “funk” or not reacting in a way I consider proactive is not necessarily my “fault” or his “rejection” of me, but that he is simply having a “funk” day. In other words, if I don’t make more of it than is and he doesn’t make more of it than is, it just generally quietly goes away. I am no longer held hostage by “oh no, this is the beginning of the end”…let yourself feel, find ways to please yourself and know that the sunshine will return. There is always a morning after the night, the sun always comes up after the rain. Sometimes all that is needed is to remind ourselves of this and COUNT ON IT.
You’re not only kind, you are correct. Things are better now.